If You Want To Start Using Sex Toys, Here’s How To Bring It Up With Your Partner

t’s 2020, and I should be able to scream “SEX TOYS!” from a roof without anyone blinking an eye, right? Well, maybe strangers would blink an eye, or shout “Get down from there!” But overall, sex toys are less offensive than they’ve ever been in today’s culture. If I’m right, logic would follow that bringing up using sex toys to a partner should be easy, right? Our partners are already turned on by us, they like having sex with us, and they are our most intimate confidante. But it’s hard to figure out how to start using sex toys with a partner without insulting them.

Insulting them? Yes. It’s a strange phenomenon, but even the most open-minded of partners might feel a little down that they can’t satisfy you in the bedroom. This is because they want you to be happy, of course. However, it’s important to remember that bringing a sex toy into the bedroom doesn’t mean you’re looking to replace your partner, but instead to enhance your experience together.

Many women require clitoral stimulation in addition to penetration to orgasm. Even if you aren’t having trouble coming, there’s nothing wrong with introducing new toys into the bedroom to spice things up. Elite Daily spoke to sex therapist Stefani Threadgill of The Sex Therapy Institute to find out how to speak to your partner about using sex toys for the first time.

You may love everything about sex with your partner, but your partner might not necessarily know that, especially when the idea of adding an electronic device to the mix comes up. Having a healthy amount of empathy for your partner’s potential skepticism is a great place to start before having the conversation about mixing things up.

“Some fear sex toys will replace them as their partner’s go-to for sexual pleasure,” explains Threadgill. “Or that their partner is interested in using sex toys because he or she is are sexually unfulfilled.” If you go into a conversation about sex toys with your partner understanding this fear, you can preempt them conversation by explaining that this has nothing to do with a feeling of dissatisfaction.

Initially, I thought that bringing sex toys up while actually in the bedroom might lead to a defensive partner, but Threadgill says the opposite. She explains that any time a couple is sexually aroused is “a good time to introduce new sexual desires and experiences.” I would add that bringing a vibrator up during foreplay as opposed to during postcoital cuddling would probably be less likely to offend your partner. It’s hottest to talk about sex toys when you’re both still turned on, instead of an hour later when you’re zoned out in front of Netflix.

Emphasize That It’s Something For Both Of You

Threadgill explains that there are sex toys marketed towards men or women that can be used as a couple, but that there are also sex toys designed for couples to use together. “It can be validating and less intimidating for a partner to emphasize the desire to explore sex toys together as a couple,” she explains. “Emphasize shared experience and exploration, novelty, and adventure.” Maybe you could even go shopping for one as a couple?

Threadgill recommends saying something like, “I was reading this blog and I became turned on thinking about us using this toy together.” This way, you are including your partner in the fantasy, and they shouldn’t feel alienated. Additionally, you use language that first emphasizes how much you love how open you and your partner are in the bedroom, and then invite the idea of sex toys in. Maybe something like, “I love how much fun we are in the bedroom. Would you ever be interested in trying out a sex toy with me?”

Here’s the thing, at the end of the day, your partner could be totally open-minded and turned on that you would bring this conversation up at all. A healthy amount of empathy, good timing, and an emphasis on “togetherness” should mean that your partner catches your vibe when it comes to sex toys.